Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
