Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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