Do you still have your period?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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