Can i not drive my cunt home
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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