I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize