omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You did what with his pubic hair?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
