We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize