My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
