I didn't shave. On purpose
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
