I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
