it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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