i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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