I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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