My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
