Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
