We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
