you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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