Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
