my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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