i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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