I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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