And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
