I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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