Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
