We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dick very happy bro
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
