my vag is so smooth its legendary
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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