the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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