PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
