My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
