what day is it and did you see me today?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
