Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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