I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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