You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
