look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
