You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize