I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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