so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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