we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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