How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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