When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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