Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
