that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
