the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
