ya dads aren't the best wingmen
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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