Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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