I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He better not be in your backpack
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
