I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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