the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
