i don't plan on having that self control this summer
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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