Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
whose parrot is this?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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