hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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