dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
