Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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