Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize