she looked like the bat from fern gully.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it's like heaven, but drunker
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
