I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
