Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
