Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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