Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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