just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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